Some of the most unhappy people in the world are the ‘outsiders‘. There are millions of them. We meet them everyday. You may see yourself as one of them.
Being made to feel ‘inferior’ to others can bring great pain, even anguish and it is not so easy to break from the despair that can come with feeling that ‘you just don’t fit in….anywhere’.
Many discover their outsider status in their early years. You know who they are. They are the ones who never get picked as a cheerleader! They always get selected for 5th chair in the school band. You see them sitting alone during lunch hour or getting picked on while changing classes in the hallway.
In later years they may be the ones who are always making mistakes in the workplace or never seem to advance through the hierarchy. When they do achieve, it often goes unnoticed. Few times, if ever, are they invited to lunch with their coworkers or go out with the ‘boys’ or ‘girls’ after work.
In your advanced years you may feel isolated. Perhaps you have lost your spouse and you are living alone, rarely seeing or hearing from your children and grandchildren. This pain is made even worse when you have senior neighbors who seem to have a never ending flow of family visitors. Perhaps you hear often of the full lives your children are living , and this pleases you greatly, but you never really feel that you are included in their lives. Maybe ill health has visited you and you can no longer do what you used to do and you feel very much alone. You now feel that you are, very much, an outsider!
It’s awful, just awful! However, do not despair….read on!
For those living on the outside, I have great news! You can be free from the anxiety, hurt feelings and isolation you may experience! It IS possible for the socially disenfranchised to be liberated from the rejection of the so-called ’insiders’. But before I get to this wonderful discovery, let’s take a look at who I am talking about when I refer to those on the ’outside looking in’.
For many, varied reasons, people have been taught, through the process of socialization and familial upbringing, that it is important to be identified with certain types of individuals, groups or causes. The result is we spend a lifetime seeking to be accepted and approved of by these entities. When we fail to achieve this, we reluctantly take on the role of an ’outsider’.
Well, what are the characteristics of the ‘Consummate Outsider’? I suspect that outsiders are:
Most Outsiders Are Unhappy
Outsiders tend to be very unhappy people. They see themselves as ‘good people’ and almost always treat others with respect and dignity and they often wonder why others do not reciprocate. They have always tried to be part of one group or another. During their lifetime they have attempted to make friends…many times. While they are most always happy to greet and be among the masses, they have a real sense that the masses do not feel the same toward them. They feel ‘tolerated’ at best.
Some are unhappy, not only because they are on the outside looking in…they are unhappy because they are constantly striving to be on the inside without any perceivable success. History is filled with very prominent people who have not been considered part of the ’in group’ and no matter what level of personal or professional success they have achieved, many have lived very unhappy lives.
Unhappiness also comes when the ‘outsider’ works feverishly at ‘pretending’ to be part of a group. Disappointment almost always will follow such delusions. Many outsiders are constantly seeking the approval of others, perhaps to validate their own self worth.
This unhappiness can last a lifetime if they do not discover how to escape and ‘find their place’ in the world.
Most Outsiders Are Lonely
Outsiders tend to be very lonely people. This is primarily due to an inability to foster deep friendships. They may ‘know’ a lot of people but these relationships tend to be superficial at best. ‘Outsiders’ DO have a few friends, but in actuality, not very many.
Most Outsiders Suffer Anxiety
Many people (outsiders) tend to suffer a high level of anxiety and, as a result, become less and less inclined to pursue friendships due to the disappointments they have experienced.
Most Outsiders Have Feelings of Rejection
Striving to be part of groups that have no interest in you brings feelings of rejection seldom experienced by ‘the beautiful people’. Feelings of inferiority are common and they often wonder, “Why Me”!
Many Outsiders May Even Feel Rejected by Family
Outsiders may even have this experience within their extended families, although families tend to mask, more successfully, their rejection of a loved one. Over time, however, the truth comes through and feelings of rejection almost always find their way into the consciousness of the outsider.
WHY ARE THEY ON THE OUTSIDE?
So WHY do certain individuals become ’outsiders’? It may be that their behavior is different from ‘the norm’ (whatever the norm is). Perhaps they ‘look’ different than others. They may not dress as well as those around them or adapt trendy notions which are commonplace among the ‘insiders’. They may speak less articulately. Perhaps they don’t interact very effectively with the ‘right’ people or travel in acceptable circles. Maybe their occupation is of a humble nature. Perhaps their ideas are quite different from the others or it may be that they are overly opinionated or they participate too aggressively in conversation, drawing undue attention to themselves. There are many reasons for their ‘outsider’ status but one thing is for sure, they ARE on the outside looking and they are not very happy people.
Outsiders may even do and say all the right things but still fail at gaining others approval.
Many outsiders look just like ‘insiders’, but, make no mistake, they are different!
GOOD NEWS...THERE IS FREEDOM FOR THE OUTSIDER!
I have been an outsider all of my life. In each phase of my life I have had one or two very close friends, but that is about all. I have never been the one most people choose to hang around with and this reality has caused much unhappiness for me. I have always been cognizant of the fact that, while most others are polite and gracious, they really have never been accepting of me, my thoughts, positions or philosophy.
Now, I must share that this has been painful. I have not always understood why my life has taken on this status. However, over many years, I have learned to accept this and I have discovered some successful ways to deal with it.
True Freedom comes with the realization that:
First, if others refuse to allow you their fellowship, that is not always a sign that there is something wrong with you! It could very well be that ‘the insiders’ are the ones who have the personality or character flaws and not you at all!
Second, not all groups you seek to be part of will bring you the gratification or fulfillment you may think. Many ‘insiders’ may be very superficial, socially and intellectually. Being rejected by them may be more of a blessing than a curse! People who reject you are probably not worthy of your friendship.
Third, I have learned to STOP STRIVING to gain acceptance! If, in my heart, I know I am living as I should, then my comfort and my validation must flow from that reality….it does not need to come from others. The rising or setting of the sun is not dependant upon the number of ‘in crowds’ you belong to. Learn that a group of three can be as meaningful as a group of one hundred.
Fourth, I have learned to become very happy with who I am! I’m a nice guy! I care about others. I desire to make others feel good about themselves. I have my identity rooted in my religious faith and I am always there when someone need me or, at least, I try to be. I have also learned that happiness in life is more dependent upon what you think of yourself rather than what others think of you.
Fifth, embrace those who accept you, love those who reject you and recalibrate the desires of your heart. If you can’t belong….be strong! Leave behind you all those groups who have failed to incorporate you into their fellowship and cling to the knowledge of who you really are! Remember, insiders rarely have the capacity to take into consideration the feelings of outsiders! For this reason, put aside your desire to capture their attention or approval. They just don’t count! Again, recalibrate the desires of your heart!
Sixth , I have learned that, many times I have been looking for acceptance and validation in many of the wrong places. The truth is, there are groups and individuals out there who would love to include you as a friend and associate. Ask God to bring them your way all the while looking for those with whom you do relate and who relate to you.
Seventh, look around for other outsiders to become friends with. You will discover that there are many of them just waiting to have YOU include them in your life!
Last, if you exhibit behaviors that fall short, work to improve them. For example, if, while participating in conversation with others, you tend to impose your viewpoint too strongly…learn the value of listening. If you readily dismiss the views of others, learn to be more understanding. If you tend to be contentious, learn to promote agreement. If you display negative attitudes, find ways to become positive in your conversations and demeanor. If you complain about everything under the sun, stop complaining! These and other behavioral modifications may strengthen your position while looking for new friends and new groups to associate with.
There is true freedom in discovering who you really are and how you can come to love yourself, even in the midst of a world that may not be so accepting of you.
Start paying attention to yourself and get out and live a full life. You, then, may find the ‘insiders’ wanting to be part of the life you are building for yourself!
Always be aware that you are ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’. You are unique. God has made you a special person!
